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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2013 4:10:41 GMT
Warning: quite long & contains what may be considered TMI, some strong language
For six months, it was perfect. I was in love. I felt myself light up whenever I saw him. For a little while I seriously jumped up and said, "Yay, he's here!" when he came into school in the morning. Sitting snuggled up against him felt like it was the warmest, safest, happiest place I could ever be. Every hug and kiss felt so right, so natural to what I had become used to with my ex. He taught me that I didn't have to do what I didn't want to when it came to intimacy. When he saw that I wasn't comfortable when we tried the first time, he stopped me, told me that me being happy and comfortable was far more important than us having sex. He was the first person that made me feel beautiful. He told me that he loved how I looked, that being chubby, having a belly, and boobs that didn't stick out from my chest like nipple-ended torpedos wasn't a bad thing. We could come to each other with anything and didn't have to worry about being turned away or made fun of or rejected. He helped me to finally become part of a subculture that I had always been too scared of to admit liking but had always loved. It was thanks to him that I was able to get a massive weight, something that had driven me to thoughts of suicide and to give up an already half-dead belief in God, off of my chest.
All of that changed in February. I was part of my school's Academic Decathlon team. (For those who don't know what it is, it is a big competition consisting of seven multiple choice tests, an interview, a speech, and an essay. It has a new theme every year that is typically civilization/country-based.) It was a really bad year for our school. We had two teachers over it: one was supposed to teach us reading, music, and art after school, while the other was supposed to teach us everything else during one block (90 minutes) during school hours. The after school teacher was too preoccupied with her fiance, one of the school's science teachers, to give me (the only kid that ever showed up) more than 20 minutes of her time before kicking me out of her classroom. The during school teacher had two little kids to take care of and was having to prepare for a move to Colorado that December to be with her husband. She did her best to cover the basics of each subject, but it wasn't enough. I and the other twenty or so kids in the class were doing our best to get out of the program. Very few of us had asked to be part of the class; most of us had only been asked if we were interested in possibly getting into it before we had it put on our schedules. Unfortunately, I was not one of the eleven kids that got to leave.
I am a high-strung perfectionist. I admit this about myself and accept it, it and all of the bad stuff that comes with it. When I get into something, I do my best to put my very best into it and to stick with it until it just gets too bad to handle. I cannot bring myself to just sit back and chill and not put forth all of my effort when it comes to my schoolwork. I knew AD was a big, important thing that took a lot of work. I tried my best to do my part, to make sure that I studied, knew the material, passed the tests. It made me miserable to see the other kids in the class not put forth any effort. None of the other kids seemed to care. To the seniors, the majority of the class and ultimately the team majority, this was just something to take and fill their schedule, something that didn't really matter to them or their grades. The teachers didn't help me to feel any better. I could accept the during-school teacher; she at least tried. The after-school teacher apparently giving exactly zero fucks and then coming to our class and ripping everyone a new asshole about not taking it seriously made me hate it. I planned to suffer through it, get through whatever competitions we were able to make it to, and just not take it ever again. My boyfriend, the sweetheart I was talking about up there, knew how miserable I felt. Instead of helping me to get through it with loving support, he had another plan.
Though I don't remember really saying that much about AD to him, as I tend to keep my woes to myself, apparently he picked up on it. He caught on to it so much that my emotions were dragging him down. The following is a direct quote from a text conversation we had about it: "[...] AD was making you miserable and that was pulling me down as a person. I was just sick and angry over AD and that trip (he is referring to the state competition), as you saw, only made it worse." I'm not sure what made him think what he began doing was a good course of action, but it happened. I started talking to him about it before we even went to regionals (b/c we don't have enough teams in our region, our team is guaranteed a spot at state), as going meant that I wouldn't see him the end of that school week and that weekend. He started saying that he wasn't sure if our relationship could survive the stress. Then, three or four weeks before state, he dropped an ultimatum: I can go to state and he leaves me, or I stay home and we stay together. After having an emotional breakdown at school, I decided to stay home. I was stressed and depressed over AD, and I was scared to lose him.
My breakdown finally convinced my parents. When they asked what had caused it, I lied and said that it was stress, that I didn't feel prepared and that I couldn't take it. Though they didn't seem to totally swallow it, they agreed to let me not go. My dad began asking questions after he talked to the new teacher who took over AD after the other moved to Colorado. One night I broke down and told him that it was my boyfriend that had made my stress suddenly spike to such high levels and had killed my desire to participate. He immediately stormed outside, too angry with my boyfriend and upset with me to stay. My mother, who had been sitting beside me while my dad and I talked, had her own tearful talk with me. She told me that I shouldn't let some guy drag me down, and that if he wasn't willing to support me now, that he wasn't worth all the trouble I was going through. She told me that she didn't want me giving up a chance at doing special things like this just to appease whoever I was with like she used to.
My memory of the following isn't very clear, but I believe that either the next morning at school (or a few days after the talk), I told my boyfriend that I had changed my mind; I was going to competition. I told him that I would accept his decision, and that I would continue to be his friend and help him regardless of his choice. I managed to keep calm, but he broke down and cried. He accused me of being a liar, a well-known trigger of mine, and said that he would have to think about what he was going to do. I escorted him to the office so that he could call his grandparents and go home and then went on with my day.
In the end, he decided to go back on his ultimatum. We stayed together, but we were never as close as we were before.
Gone were the long talks, the sharing of secrets and troubles, the sweet intimacy. Slowly but surely I started sealing myself off from him. I was scared to say anything because he has a tendency to either react negatively (getting mad or sad) or criticize it, to the point where I wish that I had never mentioned it at all. While I more or less kept my feelings bottled up to keep from setting him off, he vented to me just as freely as before. We get into small arguments every couple of days now, generally over pretty small stuff. I've even started to resent him. It stayed small, just budding, at first. Over the past week or so, it has really exploded. It has gotten to the point where I can barely bring myself to kiss him or hug him or say I love you. I think that he has been subconsciously picking up on it, as he has become increasingly clingy and affectionate.
I don't really WANT to be with him any more. I just can't find the words and the time to say it. I don't want to hurt him, and he doesn't deserve to be hurt. But I'm tired. I'm sick and tired of being depressed all the time, of crying over him and always walking on egg shells. I want to help him and be his friend, but I don't want to do it as his girlfriend. |
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2013 4:39:58 GMT
Oh, Rainbow. -Huggles- You've definitely been through a lot with this, and I can understand perfectly your feelings about AD.
And I think that, really, (WARNING: this may sound harsh, but I think you've pretty much come to this conclusion yourself) - if your seemingly perfect boyfriend (and he did sound as if he was the perfect boyfriend before AD), couldn't give you support in such a tough time - that he wanted to make you choose between him and something that isn't going to dominate the whole of the rest of your life anyway - means that he's not the person he seemed to be, and you're right to want to be no more than his friend.
I know it's hard, and more than hard, but maybe try to find a time and a place when you're both calm, and just tell him WHY. And if he takes it badly, at least you've done your best to be kind and help him to understand.
Just my two cents. C; I hope this does get resolved. <3
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Post by Picasso on May 18, 2013 9:47:19 GMT
Oh Rainbow that's horrible ): sounds like a really tough time.
As Mac said, it looks like you already have come to a conclusion about what you're going to do. I have to admit, it is strange that he suddenly became the 'controlling' bf as such - was he having a particularly bad time at that point, or what? Because I know I can get controlling at times without realising it (not to that extent), but my boyfriend quickly pushes me back into my place and tells me to stop controlling him. I apologise and we move on.
Nevertheless, I don't think I can really offer advice on how to break up with him. Break ups are never easy. Whatever you do, don't do it over text. He needs to be told in person. I'm sure it won't come as a surprise for your boyfriend, hearing how distant your relationship is now. Just try and explain why you're doing it, and hopefully he won't get too upset. Try and work out what you're going to say before you meet with him so you're better prepared.
Good luck Rainbow <3 |
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Post by Hunter on May 18, 2013 14:55:25 GMT
As Pic says, break ups are never easy, but I recognize some of these things from when my ex broke up with me. Idk, maybe it can help you a little to hear some words from someone who can see it from your boyfriend’s point of view. I’m not proud of it, but I tend to be a quite sensitive person, and in the end of the relationship I also started being clingy. But in competition you were going to – did it mean that you couldn’t see each other in two/three weeks? To be it sounds a bit overdue to give an ultimatum to just that, but oh well, just wanted to make sure I got things right.
Again, as Pic says, make sure to be together with your boyfriend when you break up with him. And for God’s sake, DON’T break up with him after he’s done something stupid. As in, don’t do it in an outburst. My ex did that to me (to say it short; I’d gone for a long walk and he became worried, resulting in him breaking up with me), and for weeks it made me wonder if I could have prevented it all if I hadn’t gone for that walk. I think that made me feel more horrible than needed.
Another advice is, that if you really want to be his friend afterwards, and want to help him, then at least listen to him if he needs to talk. My ex said he’d the same, but when I needed to talk, he wouldn’t really listen to me. I could talk for hours with other friends and pretty much get nowhere with it because it wasn’t them I needed to talk to. It’s not that you need to come up with fancy solutions to make him feel good again after the break-up (at least that wasn’t what I needed, don’t know about your bf), but just listen to what he has to say and try to see things from his point of view.
I don’t know if any of this helped, it’s not like I know you, your boyfriend, or your whole situation. But if I can help you just a fraction, that’s enough for me. It is possible to be friends after a break up, it’s just to tackle it in a way so that you can look each other in the eye again afterwards. Talk, talk, and talk - he might very well cry, and let him if that's what he needs, but try to listen to each other and see it all from each others' point of view. Good luck with it :)
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